Who am I again??

Recently I’ve been asked that quite a lot. “Will I ever see there real you?”

So I ponder once more. Who am I then? Feels like all the time we’re embarking in some healing journey we might wake up and go “aha!” found it, that was me all along that I forgot to be… well who IS that one? The baby that was born innocent? Free of fear and sadness, free of hurt?

Really at the heart of us all, the one who observes, is of course pure consciousness … the path of all spiritual teachings is to clear all the karma, the layers of ego or false personalities to realise that we are all life force, aka God…. whatever that might mean to you, can you conceive that there is a “still” and peaceful part of us all? When you are “in the flow” whether through love-making, making a cake, skiing or driving fast down a country lane, we all feel alive and fully present, and blissfully clear of our mind chatter.. THAT is who I am…and who YOU are!

So who is THAT?!


Part of the multiverse ???

I’ve often had conflicts about this, feeling that if I’m NOT in this still point, or “void”, are my thoughts then fake? I’ve been to the silence so often, so why do I come back!! Am I an imposter? I do feel that we have been created as slices of the ultimate God-self for that one to experience everything, so are we meant to remain this silent ultimate self?

To pop back into source from whence we came?

No. I don’t think so. We are ever evolving, and coming INTO a space of being, but that GOD doesn’t’ want stillness, after all, we came into being to experience. So really I am ALL of me. The part that gets angry (yes, i’m getting shown i really can do anger just at the mo!), and the part of me that cries, the part of me that talks in many other languages that are beyond my human comprehension just now… there is no “me” and “not-me” they are all versions of me at different frequencies.. and the further we go along the further we access them all, and can bring them together, or at least understand which part of ourself is coming through.

I urge you, allow yourself to be ALL that you are.. the more we resist our feeling self, thinking that to be imperfect, the more we tell ourselves that we are not allowed to feel…

So many of my releases recently have been about saying sorry to myself for all the times I’ve disrespected myself trying to appease those around me, for fear of rejection! Not allowing my true feelings in case I offended someone else! What a game huh? Pissing myself off, treating myself like i’d treat no-other, then wondering why I feel so de-motivated!… So… here I start once again, stronger, and more centred, with an aim of self-love, ever more self-respect and imploring you to do the same

Whatever your label, get rid of them, and know you are beautiful. Know that you are an evolving being that is waking out of an epic slumber of many lives suppressed by the matrix, who is undoing years of karma that you have taken on from your families, to clear and heal, and we are taking humanity to a new era, where love is prevailing, and we will be like the “Air-bender” (film I watched last night!).. one who manifests, alchemists, creator beings, who can create the loving life we all crave for!

Was I upset with word association rather than the subject itself?

Do we have too much attachment to the words we use? And therefore miss the point?

I considered deleting my post yesterday about moving past yoga (and the diagnosis of bipolar), because I realised that perhaps I was throwing out the baby with the bathwater… but then again that would be hiding from myself, and part of my journey to wholeness is complete self-acceptance. If someone wants to pull me up about my post, let them. I’ve already done enough contemplating about it, and realised that it is in fact my perceived social attitudes around Yoga and my own insecurity of “not being good enough” that was really underlying my feeling, rather than Yoga in of itself!

Just for a quick update, I have moved to Portugal to be with the love of my life, and join him and his family at Bosque Verde, a seeding community that will host various retreats and events all with aim of self-awareness and self-evolution. I’m looking forward to holding talks and events where I can share my journey with others who are hoping to start again after being diagnosed with Bipolar. But that is why I’ve neglected this blog somewhat over the last few weeks! That hasn’t stopped me contemplating however, and one of the biggest themes is speaking from the heart.

And that doesn’t always mean speaking in your mother tongue…. let me explain…

Lats year I was asked by a shaman to perform as massage on him, after he’d observed me giving massages to those in a party of people about to take Ayhusaca. Throughout the massage, I felt the urge to speak, and speak I did. Though it was no language I’d ever heard of! The feeling was that through something was purging from him. During the last year or so, this voice and more have come through when I was doing any type of ceremony, or shamanic work, particularly when doing  Shamanic Massage Session.

During my last Vision Quest, I realised that one particular feeling of voice was from a past life – a male shaman that had felt not heard, or validated, and as there was sometimes an urgency to be heard or recognised coming through, and this really made sense to me. Doing some healing on myself, I bought that part of me back in, and this driven part of me has become more gentle, more feminine. And so has this voice!…

Now my “other” voice feels like it is from my highest self, the part of me not of this Earth, but from another realm, and higher vibration than Earth, one that is hoping to come through to heal those that hear it, and I believe that is partly why I felt driven to come to Portugal sooner rather than later.

What has this to do with anything you might ask? Well, part of our human evolution is remembering that we are not mere humans who might have a spiritual experience, rather we are light beings, energy beings that are unravelling from years of being blindfolded by our humanity, with imposed limits that can easily be removed, if we realise that they are there in the first place,…. and speaking in this heart-voice feels to me, a long way towards a way of being that is more heart-felt, more trusting, more empathic.


Sure I speak English, but how many other lives have I lived on Earth and other places? This new voice of mine feels so much more authentic, and I intuitively know what feelings are being conveyed, rather than when I speak English, when it feels like one of my Characters or personas is speaking and there is less Heart, less trust, less intuition, more fear and limits. Again, linking to how the words we use have such emotion, that barely we can say a sentence than someone might pick us up on why we used that word not another – and I hear myself doing the same!

Ohso taught a meditation called “no-mind” and this asks you to speak in nonsense for 20 minutes as a way of clearing out energy whiteout having to put word or reason to it. Perhaps I have done so much of this, my true voice is coming through? I invite you to try it sometime. Sure you might like to be on your own, rather than in company unless they are joining you, but it feels so good to release energy, but not drive this energy through our thinking analytical mind! Because we censor and second guess ourselves and then we stop any catharsis that might take place!

Happy nonsense, and happy Thursday y’all! Blessings on your path, and do feel free to get in touch!

Post yoga, post diagnosis?

In this age where people are becoming ever more self-aware, and embarking on their individual “spiritual journey” I have to say, I think I am almost becoming an “anti-yogi”…

I started Yoga at the age of 16, and though I rarely have attended classes, it has stood me well throughout my life so far: morning practices to energize my body, and stretch ready of the day ahead, or evening times when I was slightly anxious, with pent-up tension held in my body, and the yogic breathing would gently bring me down, relaxed ready for sleep…

But as I have progressed along my path, I realised that the discipline of Yoga, although helpful in so many ways, can limit the self from evolving into a “master” if we feel we are always having to play “student” to the ancient “Yogis”. I have attended few classes since I started my own practise, and in my 20s used to doubt myself and my practise because maybe I wasn’t “doing it right”! Looking back, it is because I more enjoying listening to myself and my body, instead of someone else! Slowly over the last few years, I have incorporated my love of dance into a slow movement that could be seen as based on yoga, but in fact is just my body moving in a way that is helpful to me. I allow it to stretch and contort, dance and move as it wishes, and in doing so any tensions ease away, and I unravel into a state of inner peace where my soul is present in my body, and my mind is quiet.

My theory is that the Yoga practise is a highly tuned Masculine practise, from an ancient time, whereas dancing, or “free” movement is much more Feminine, more intuitive, and we move as soul wishes, freeing oneself from tension and rigidity, and once more aligning with our highest self. So perhaps the resistance not to attend class, was stemming from my resistance to be a “follower”?

“If you see your guru, shoot him” (not sure who from!)

A quote I instantly resonated with when I heard it – because we are ALL wise beings, all part of spirit, all having the knowledge within to evolve on our path!


How does this relate to my journey from Bipolar to free being? Well, the resistance to follow began as a child, and I often felt quite separate when I wasn’t able to express my reasons for disagreements! I was often got called “Mary, Mary quite contrary” by my mother! It wasn’t that I wanted to argue with people but I just knew some things weren’t sitting happy with me, and now I know it was my gut instinct’ my intuition, my SOUL speaking, rather than just some phase of obstinacy that I might have been going through.

And so, when it came to being sectioned and called a polite version of “crazy”, I wasn’t going to let my habit of a life time change, and just accept it all without an argument. When no-one around me could really help with what I was experiencing, and no book I’d come across told me what was going on, I kept pushing my own self to explore and analyse what I was feeling and thinking at any one time.

To connect my journey from Yoga to free flow, and my journey to freedom from Bipolar I followed no plan, no routine, or discipline. I listened within, I observed, and I began to love MYSELF, trust MYSELF, and to listen to MYSELF. All the experiences that I ever experienced when deemed “high” were part of my soul evolution, it was all initiation into a place awakening and truth.

My invitation to you is to LISTEN to your own self. Sure, books can guide us, friends can give advice, but ALWAYS what your own instinct is telling you, is right for you. That might cause you to leave a relationship, upset a friend when you don’t go somewhere you might usually attend, or you might take a risk that doesn’t seem to have  logical answer at the time. But doing that has got me today the life of my dream, unfolding around me. The same is for every choice in our lives. Listen inside at every moment and you will get the guidance you need to become free of the turmoil, free of the fear, anger, sadness… allow it all to speak to you, with no judgement!

I can tell you, that I know very well when I’ve not been following my truth, or my soul speak because tension appears in my body. The lesson to us all is to have faith in our deepest truth for that is our God-self, the soul, the naked consciousness, and in this place, we are only acting for our highest good. And that highest good may look from the outside as something selfish, or contrary to popular belief but in fact, if you for ever put someone else (or some rule/discipline) before your own feelings you are telling yourself you don’t trust yourself. This breeds an inner turmoil that can take years to unravel – and that is the journey of self-discovery… peeling off the onion layers!

Admitting to your fears!

Well it’s been some time again… I do apologise !

I have been, well, actually avoiding my fears. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t written – it takes a certain element of vulnerability to write so from the heart and look inside oneself… Oops! For some time, I was really good at journalling, and writing down every last thought that was going through my head… and I was releasing a lot too… tears would come as my inner wounds were coming up for healing, and I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself…

THEN I got a bit smug, feeling really good in general, and my life started to change, things started to come to me – I guess I had shifted something about not being worth to receive – but… I had stopped my merry go round of allow, accept, release, cry,  feel better move forward!

What has changed? One major thing! I met who I believe to be my soul mate, and have been given a wonderful opportunity to start a life with him and his family over in sunny Portugal. So I have just visited, just to make sure, and on my return… well, hmm… well…

Ok, let’s just stay Hagen Daz had a lot to do with it. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And pizza.

Yes that’s right! I ate down my fears and just couldn’t get out of my loop for a little while there!

What was going on? I returned to the UK knowing that I had 3 weeks to pack up my house and life in the UK and get my car ready for the long drive south, and no return (well not any time soon anyway!)…


That’s great, I hear you say? Well yes of course. But when you are being given your dream life on a plate, it tends to throw light on everything you’ve not dealt with… Oh boy…. So I went into a VERY old habit of mine. Shut down. In the past I guess I might have called it depression, but then it was long, very long, with very little joy, and a whole lot more guilt, shame, self-hatred and anxiety… This time..well it wasn’t too negative really, I just didn’t know where to start on my “life-collapsing”!

To be fair I was exhausted from my 2 and half weeks away, so I did need  a rest. But really. Though I did get on with a few things slowly, I just ate and ate and ate! And then felt REALLY really bad… too much sugar, too much wheat, too much dairy… total overload to my poor temple-body!

Over this weekend thankfully something shifted, and bit by bit I think I started to admit my fears again.. and had a few good long drives, on which I often do a lot of deep introspection… a checking in with myself, and that tends to spark a “clearing of the air”…

So what is my invitation? to allow yourself to hear your own fears… admit them, accept them, and love that vulnerable part of yourself!… throughout my journey, the best times are when I can admit to myself my vulnerability … and I’ve done so much that my Ego persona of a strong, but very masculine, woman, LOVES to come in and try to keep hold again, rather than my soft, allowing, trusting female self….

Last night I had a bath, and I just poured out my fears to the Universe… God was listening and if felt good!… I opened up every little fear (ok they just said”not yet”! I guess there’s more to go!).. ok so I poured out SOME fears of my current situation, and then did a full body scan afterwards to release tensions and really allow my body to unwind, which it hasn’t done for some time….

Yes. Facing our fears doesn’t make them “come real”, it just unravels ourself somewhat… it unfurls the tensions in our bodies, and we can see that it isn’t that bad after all… and what comes first? tension or worries?…. A long debate with friends last night let me on a little rethink… but I feel that past trauma causes us to have deep and sometimes very subtle PTSD, which leaves unto be often in a state of Fight-or-fligth, or at least coming in and out of… and then we aren’t breathing properly…. we then aren’t able to fully be present with our situation and our past fears get intermingled with new fears as the nervous system/mind try to help us “stay safe” so its a mixed bag of past and present potential fears….

Hence mediation of any type being so helpful, or really, enjoying activities that you really enjoy and take you into a state of “joy” and happiness.. you then relax and are able tot think clearly, and your energy system can clear itself of these tensions… and we go … aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!.. I did have a belly laugh or two last night, and that is often a sign I have been holding back and then have had a release, however subtle!….

Today I will be writing again some more fears… seeing what is there below the surface, and then affirming some positive mantras to retrain my beautiful mind that I am indeed safe, I am indeed looked after, and loved.. I feel blessed!


God wants to be God again…

A little more about the mega vision I had a few weeks ago.. and I was going to write this some time ago, and a friend stopped me.. but today, as I was sat trying to do some work, my guides interrupted me and reminded me once again of the sentence that has bounced around my mind ever since!

My computer was not wanting to load a page that would enable me to write a website. I guessed there was something else I should be doing, as that is the way things are going …often I am getting interrupted so I listen, and then I know that I have something else to do in line with the promise I made a long time ago to “be in service” for the highest good of all…

So I listened to what they were getting at… and they wanted me to share this post… and in a way, of course I want to share this too, and it’s almost like an excuse if I say my “guides” want me to share it… hahah… talk about evading responsibility… one of the biggest lessons in my life, to claim fully my self, my choices and my voice.

Here I go then….

“God wants to be God again”.

What does that mean? God, who we might take to be anything from someone sitting on a cloud, to a judgemental, mean being, someone who should rescue us, or hopefully, non of the above… to me is the Creator of all, and the frequency of manifestation, Joy, Love, holder of all… too vast to explain for sure, and only when you disengage the mind for long enough, can  you come to a place of stillness to know “One-ness” with the “All”.. well.. God, S/He whoever you think that is, WE are each a part of it, part of the whole…

And God being ME, God being YOU, God being the “Cat that Sat on the Mat”, wants to remember itself as the divinity that “IT/he/she” is…. That is to say, that for eons, and I mean eons, we have had this “Let’s pray to God” or hate him, or whatever. Like we are separate from that which gives us life. Which of course, we are not. We cannot any more separate ourselves from the “All” than we can deny clouds exist in the sky. We might close our eyes, but somewhere there has been, and will be clouds in the sky.

Whatever your “Spiritual” or “Religious” view point, non of us can deny that we have consciousness, and therefore, we have the so called “God” force within us. And EVERYTHING has this, despite what we might think that is sentient and that isn’t. EVERYTHING has consciousness… you just have to tune it.. .like a radio station.

And when I picked up the saying “God wants to be God again”, I instantly knew what was being said. All the parts that have strayed and turned “to the dark”, and in that I mean, have held themselves as other than part of the Divine, are now being called in. Like the naughty kids in school, and the head teacher is sat, head in hand, thinking “Enough is enough”.. .well the Hu-man experiment that is Earth, has now had it’s “time-out” card.

The universe at large would like to have a chill and know that Mother Earth can return to her pristine state, we, as the invaders, and marauders, are being asked nicely can we please tidy up our affairs and come back to a place of Love please? Each part of us, that is of course part of the whole, can now please come back to a place of compassion for ourselves, and one another and get on with having a BALL!!!….


Time to co-create the New Earth, allowing Mother Earth to flourish once again, and as we remember our selves as light beings, we cease to needlessly eat, stuffing down our fears, instead we fill up on love, and overflow with heartfelt love and compassion, feeling safe and nourished by our love from within, and then, needing nothing, we come into a state of grace, and everything we do comes from Joy, and manifesting a new way of being, the barriers we have held for so long drop, differences cease to matter, as we turn to celebration, Craft, music, dancing, love-making, and generally revelling in ourselves and enjoying our physical form, because we might just not come again to this realm…

And how does this relate to Bipolar… Because of course most people who have had a “high” have had a moment with God.. somehow spoken to, or felt they “are” God.. and we are told in no uncertain terms, that is grandiose, and “who do we think we are” termed “psychotic” and left rotting in our own confusion at once knowing that it was  real experience, knowing it in our hearts, but then being doubted by everyone around us… until we implode and begin to self=doubt so much that you’d rather self-harm than go through that embarrassment again… well.. I say to you, you were right… you ARE God, and you probably have spoken to him.. I Know I have.. Am I special? Yes. But so is everyone else. No longer will I dumb myself down for those who are skeptics, and in a place of fear. I love you all, and I fear not the woes of those who are sad in the heart. But please do not piss on my parade, or call me crazy because I dance to a different beat to you. I am not excluding you, but asking you to join in, remember your own “god-self”… this is nothing new either.. .the Vedas, the Sutras, and every old text from the East talk of the very thing, but they are a little more complicated, and they wear robes, and are men. So, somehow they got away with it.

Welcome to 21st Century Mysticism… we do it our own way, and without a Guru. It’s called the path of Direct revelation, the path of the Shaman if you like, I don’t care what you call it, but it AIN”T crazy! It’s LOVE ….

All about my love….

I have met my soul mate. My quest is over, the rest is easy… But is it he that completes my life, or that my search or understanding love bought me to such peace, that the universe thought it about time my questing had bought me my soul mate?

And how do I know it is love? Real love, unconditional, the stuff of legends, the stuff of Jeshua, the flow that a mother feels for her child, and that which we would love for the world to be filled with?

Because I no longer seek to fix him, or mend him, or bend him to my ways, or seek him to present me with the strength I couldn’t find in myself. Instead I am in awe, struck with a look of a child seeing snow for the first time, or paddling in the sea. And every time I see him again, even after just an hour’s break, I am struck again, and a stillness inside is renewed.

I feel honoured to have touched this stillness, the void, outside of the “ordinary” realms many times in my life, through music, dancing, shaving my head (yes it lasted a month and was bliss), but this man, does something to me. He has the power to both silence me, into a stillness when our eyes meet, and yet, there is a seeking every to every part of my soul that has not yet had time to heal.. the child awaiting her father to come home from work to seek his love and reassurance, the would-be-mother, yearning for confirmation that yes, one day I might just be blessed by a new life in my womb, a soul who chose to grace us with their presence, the school girl feeling a crush for the football hero, yet never speaking out for fear of rejection, and knowing that I was a head taller than every boy in the school, let alone year…


I was a long time on my healing path to make the transition from victim of my life choices to empowered Goddess-in-training who is having regular visions from my guides as to what to do next in my life… and yet this man, in his mere presence, I am seeing so many of my selves, my other lives, my other life moments flash before my eyes to be accepted, felt, loved and encompassed by myself, dredging the recesses of my shrinking subconscious so that I might be my ever evolving, fully loving self bring joy to myself and those around me…

So I say thank you Universe, thank you for myriad lessons, Blessons as I call them the blessings and lessons in ever rejection, hurt, name-calling, sectioning, and anything else that one might consider “negative”… because none of it really hurt me, my soul remained in tact, and every person taught me a lesson in “more love, not less” (thank you Matt Kahn for your snappy quote that could sum up the essence of Jeshua, the Bible, and every other major religion or spiritual theory still fighting for validity and new followers… in the end, everything comes back to LOVE…

We were made in love as human babies, and beyond that we are a tiny slither of the “One”, Creator’s energy, life force incarnate, the universe playing as you, playing as me… and the journey back to love is a twisty winding road, but it is worth it… and now I am love, you might say in love, but I was glowing with love a long time before I needed a specific person to aim it at… let us forget striving to find the perfect person to love, instead realise that we are all perfect, on our paths, and we each have the capacity to become love, to be a beacon of joy, and whether or not we find our soul mate, we are always connected to Gaia, Spirit, and every other part in-between… We can connect to the life force that flows with love at any time, and may be be blessed with that knowledge and share it lavishly around!

Bless you bless you and bless you with love ….

Love is the only way…

Given the recent events in the world, I thought I’d share a few of the insights I’ve been given over my latest batch of visions…

It seems that people are all too ready to point the finger, go into fear, and complain about the state of the world… Sure, no-one wants to suffer, and no-one wants to see others suffer.. but what is happening now is the unravelling of EONS of shit produced by some pretty low vibrational stuff going on around the World… The good news is that we EACH can make a change. With a big dollop and LOVE, and nothing else…


This does NOT however mean pointing fingers without because as the old saying goes “the only person you can change is yourself”… so whilst it’s very tempting to spend time whining about this politician/system/insert-other-external-cause-of-annoyance, actually the only REAL work to be done, is looking within and seeing what is begin triggered by these events… and given that we are all the same stuff, human gloves of our spiritual selves, we might all be best to admit that its FEAR!

Nothing wrong with a good bit of Navel Gazing.. believe me, if I had a quid every time someone told me “you think too much”, I’d be minted, but actually, I feel like i’m having the last laugh, as whilst I see people going into fits of fear, moaning, sadness, rage, I’m sitting here in the sunshine, NOT avoiding, as you might be tempted to say, but from a place of peace, surrender, faith, and love. Safe in the knowledge that the divine unfolding is all going well….

So the insight? the vision? Carrying on with insights from the Marijuana meditation, I was just lying down, allowing myself to be guided to vision after vision, and with my being at a festival, they (being my guides or angels, I know not) showed me sights where the Earth is covered once again with natural vegetation, and all of humanity were celebrating. We were in fact flying around, dancing in 3-d… and I’ve said for years, as soon as enough people believe, we will levitate, tis a matter only of switching off the matrix beliefs and allowing your truth to flow…. After all, at the moment, we allow ourselves and few evenings a week or month to celebrate, the rest being “work”, and we tell ourselves how frivolous we are if we are going out “too much”, but what is all the healing about if we are really only trying to get better at working?

No, I assure you, the future is bright. Hold on, and release the pressure (thanks Leftfield for your quote), allow the tears to flow, look within, and allow your vulnerabilities.. use this changing time to release the baggage, take a look in the mirror (Thanks Michael Jackson!), and allow yourself to become all that you are, the divine co-creator, that is able to help manifest the future that is filled with laughter and joy, free of the controlling Elite… concentrate your energy on the vision of love, NOT fear….